The catch at Royal River Luxury Hotel

The address is Calle Alcojora, opposite the golf course, on the slope above Costa Adeje. From the hotel the walk to the restaurants of La Caleta is about 1.4 kilometres and 19 minutes, downhill on the way out and uphill on the way home. By car it is five or six minutes. Nothing else is on foot except the golf clubhouse up the road.

Guests rate location lowest, below cleanliness, rooms and sleep, and report the taxi as the recurring cost of the stay. The hotel's own services page lists airport transfers as an additional charge and parking as free, which tells you how it expects you to arrive.

The hotel's own restaurant pages set the rhythm. The Top Brasserie on the roof is closed on Mondays and Thursdays. Flamingo's page now lists only its Monday Italian Experience, and Kokoro's page only the Thursday BBQ Deluxe on the Pineapple terrace. Pineapple, which carries breakfast, lunch and dinner, is the only restaurant the site presents as open every day. So on any given night the choice is nearer two than four, and guests report that the rotation narrows further in low season.

The other theme in guest feedback is the bill: bar and restaurant prices are the thing reviews warn each other about. The menus sit behind the hotel's guest app, so check the prices there before your first dinner. The house rules add that drinks brought from outside may not be consumed in the public areas and food may not be taken out of the restaurants.

The hotel's own services list marks what costs more: airport transfers, room service, spa treatments, golf reservations, late check-out and the butler are all flagged as additional charges, and every villa page carries the same asterisks against room service and butler. Nothing on the hotel's site says whether breakfast is included; that depends on the rate you pick, and the hotel's pages publish no prices.

What the format does tell you is the shape of the money. The entry Lagoon Villa is 60 square metres for two, the River Villa 120, the Pool and Grand Pool Villas 140, and the top of the ladder is a 360 square metre Sky Villa for eight. You are paying for private water and floor area, and winter, when this coast is at its busiest, is when the rate is steepest.

Every villa page says adults only from 14, so the pools stay calm rather than silent, and a teenager or two is within the rules. The privacy is also less absolute than the word villa suggests. Every villa has a pool of its own, but the River Villas' pools open with direct access onto the river-style pool, the 80-metre channel that links them, and the Lagoon Villas are a set of four around one African-inspired lake, each pool opening onto it. The Paradise and Sky Villas, by their own pages, also have a pool with direct access to the river. Only the Pool Villas and the Grand Pool Villas stand alone with water that is nobody else's. Guests report that the river villas catch less direct sun than the pool villas.

The house rules are strict about the shared parts: reserving a sunbed by leaving a towel on it is not allowed and staff will remove the towel, and wet clothing is not allowed in the bars or restaurants.